The Wall Of Thankfulness

During the summer, Eddie painted an area on our kitchen wall with chalk paint turning it into a chalkboard or as I like to call it a chalk wall.  We have had so much fun using it to display our words and sentiments.  Funny how such a small area has allowed us to express such big heartfelt words.

I believe the initial chalking was Lilli's countdown to summer camp, Camp Green Cove.  Next it was a Welcome Home Lilli quickly followed up with a Happy 11th Birthday Lilli Birdy!  September brought on Rich's 54th Birthday wishes followed quickly by sweet wishes from Lilli and Rich to me for my birthday.

Next followed a big burnt orange HELLO FALL!  We loved that one... each of us occasionally speaking aloud our own... Hello Fall to the chalk-wall and whomever was standing in ear shot.  But my favorite was the Thankfulness chalking!  I loved this one so much that when Lilli prematurely erased it (two days before Thanksgiving), what could I do but start over.  A box of chalk remained on the counter so we could add things as we were so motivated.  Sometimes we weren't sure who added what.  That made it even more fun.

During this last month Rich and I have been going through a particularly tough time in our family with our relationship with Owen.  Sadly, we found ourselves in a place where Owen had to leave our home and was not welcome back on our property.  I was a mess as I decided, for the first time in our 11 years of marriage to honor Rich and our marriage before my feelings for Owen-always feeling like I needed to protect him and help him instead of allowing him to live with the consequences of his decisions.  I knew it was what I needed to do, but I'm telling you it was the hardest thing I have ever done.  Not knowing where my son would end up felt like it was going to kill me.  And the pain my husband was feeling over the situation was just as painful to watch.  I knew I had to lean on God to get me through this, because there was no way I could do it on my own.  As Thanksgiving day drew closer and closer, I found myself worried about Owen and where he would be on Thanksgiving Day. Thinking how could I be joyful and thankful when my only son was homeless.  I pressed in to God like I never have.

Unbeknowst to me, Owen had reached out to a couple of men who had mentored him last year when he was in North Carolina.  He talked with them and before I knew it he was on his way to North Carolina to work with them again.  We just spoke on Monday and he sounded great.   He texted with me this evening saying in part... "Really good day...Super thankful I'm sober again!  It feels so good." I could not have gotten a better message.  I needed some encouragement and God knew that.

Additionally, over the last month, I have been experiencing more pain and more 'sick' days.  These days are hard to explain.  Some days I feel so tired and completely fatigued - I have trouble getting out of bed.  On these days I usually head back to bed after dropping Lilli at school and rest for several hours - sometimes most of the day.  Sometimes, I feel rest and sleep will get me through the day.  Other days I feel nauseous and I take pain meds around the clock.  My pain primarily lingers in my hips, lower back, femur, knees, arms, elbows, wrists and hands.

My XGeva injection was scheduled for yesterday.  When I woke I had pain in my chest and back and felt as though I had trouble taking a deep breathe.  When I arrived at my visit I had my normal blood work, etc. done but after letting Kristin (my nurse) know how I felt she checked my blood oxygen level and it was a bit compromised (85... not my best effort).  Kristin consulted with Mary (the doc) and down the hall I went to the patient room (I was currently in the infusion room).  After examining me and listening to my description of the last few days, she decided I should have a CT of my chest to see what was going on inside.  I headed over to the imaging building and after the scan was complete and the doctor reviewed it, I was told I had no embolism and was allowed to leave.  Yay!

Later last night, my Mary called to follow up with me about the scan.  The good news was indeed that there were no blood clots or any fluid around my lungs.  The not so good news....  My tumor has grown in the last 2 months.  Progression??  Not a good word with cancer.  So over the next week I will have the remaining abdominal, pelvic, bone and brain scans and we will determine what the next plan of action is.  Whether we discontinue the Gilotrif (my oral chemo) and try another one - do we biopsy the tumor to see if I have developed a mutation that resists the Gilotrif.  Evidently, there is a new medicine that fights that mutation - getting rid of it so the Gilotrif will once again work.

Mary called me again, today to let me know she had consulted with Dr. Heyer.  He said he wants to see the results from my new scans before we label this progression.  So, in the meantime I will get the additional scans.  Hearing he does not want to label it progression just yet has lighten my heart this afternoon after having a pretty tearful morning with my darling husband.

I know God hasn't finished my story with its many beautiful characters....  My love story with my sweet husband, Chloe and her boys growing stronger on their own and being a family unit secure within their sweet little family, my son Jake finishing school and continuing to enjoy his music career, watching Lilli as she blossoms into a young woman exploring school, music, sports, friendships, boys (wait no boys), watching Owen arise from the ashes into the man God intends for him to be, all the while enjoying more time with my parents and my brothers and all my wonderful friends.

All these characters in my beautiful life remind me of my wall of chalk. I imagine God just adding more and more beautiful things and not seeing the story until the wall is finished.

As I looked back over the wall of Thankfulness it was fun to see where the words ended up...for instance someone put the word FREEDOM and someone put the word OWEN.  They ended up next to each other as though God was saying OWEN WILL BE FREE FROM WHAT BINDS HIM.  RICH and DAD were next to each other with the kids names there.  They represent the LEADERS OF MY FAMILY.  DREAMS reminding me of Psalms 37:4 TAKE DELIGHT IN THE LORD AND HE WILL GIVE YOU THE DESIRES OF YOUR HEART (DREAMS).

No matter where I find myself, I don't have to ask who is writing my story or where it will end up, because I know I couldn't even imagine the beauty of it all in the end.

These are a few of my favorite things....

It has been over four months since my last blog entry.  How can that be?  What has kept me so busy?

Here are a few of my favorite things....

• A week at the outerbanks during shark week (literally).  Lilli and her bff, Ryann had fun inspite of only going in to knee high water.  Once our friends Julie and Meagan Krone joined us we ventured to thigh-high water. (Shhhh don't tell big Daddy aka Mr. Safety he would not be happy!)

• My sweet sweet friend, Nancy, and her family moved to Dallas, Texas.  Nancy has been one of my closest friends for 14 years and this is the second time I have had to say goodbye when she moved to Texas.  Here's hoping she moves back in a few years - just like last time.

• Lilli said so long to her BFF, Ryann Markel and her family.  They set out to Denver, Colorado.  We miss them terribly.  Lilli has shed lots of tears over these last four months.

• Dinners and lunches with some of my old high school buddies: Tammy, Dottie and Lori.  So many laughs and tears with this sweet group of friends. Dinner with Angela English. A few breakfasts with our friends Alan and Traci.

• Lilli set off to Camp Green Cove in North Carolina for two weeks.  Rich and I slipped away for a get away in Asheville, NC before we picked up Lilli from camp.

• Hunter turned 8 years old!

• Several trips to Dirt Farm Brewing Company.  Magnificent views, great food and good beer!

• Start of Middle School for Lilli.  So fun seeing her growing up and taking on new challenges.  Another fun part of middle school is one of my former youth group girls is all grown up Kellie McDermott Koptish and she is the 6th grade Dean.  Nothing like having someone on the INSIDE! :)

• Lilli fell off a bike an injured her growth plate in her left wrist.  NO VOLLEYBALL - missed the entire season with the exception of the first two practices. :(  Her team finished 2nd overall.

• Said goodbye to Lilli's other BFF Wendie and her family.  Lilli's heart has sure been knocked around the past few months.

• I decided it was time to do something about my hair loss.  I got my first pixie cut in 45 years! Oh, my aunt Betty Ann would love it!

• Quick trip to the Myrtle Beach, SC with brother Eddie to visit my parents and bring grandbirdy, Hunter home to start school.

• Rich's 54th Birthday was celebrated with his favorite dinner and a birthday cake.

• My annual Florida trip with my BFF, Gail.  We treasure this trip and missed it last year so we were especially excited for this sweet sweet time together.  It didn't disappoint.

• My 52nd birthday!  I felt horrible that week and cancelled a couple celebrations, but a few days later I celebrated on numerous occasions with lunch and dinner with Mary Jo and Sandi and Tammy, Dottie and Lori, and lunch with a group of my tennis pals.  Got the best gift - WOOL SOCKS.  I never knew what I was missing.  If you have never had them you MUST try a pair.  You won't regret it.  Sometimes I just put my socks on and I immediately begin to feel better.

• My old friend Ellen has been home from Atlanta staying with her mom so we've been able to see each other on several occasions.  It's a tender time she is going through, but I'm so grateful for our time while she's here with her mom.

• Celebrated sweet Justice's 10th Birthday.  So fun to celebrate her with lots of her friends.

• Sweet grandbirdy #2, Tucker and I have hung out a good bit.  It has been so much fun getting to know this funny little guy.  He is so sweet.  I sure am blessed.

• Rich had his left hip replaced on October 21st.  He is back to work and doing amazingly well.  The right hip replacement is schedule for December 28th.  Just in time for the new year.

• Received over 55,000 prayers from my pal Gail Suitor in the form of a beautiful hand knitted blanket.  I will be covered in her prayers each time I use it.
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• Lilli and Primrose enjoyed a safe and not to spooky Halloween.

• Lilli auditioned for Harmony's musical, Peter Pan and got a part as an Indian.  We are all dancing around the house chasing pirates and hiding from the lost boys!

• Another successful piano recital.  Thank you Jo Hughes for loving and teaching my daughter.

• Gal pal Joylyn Hannahs hosted a lovely FAVORITE THINGS party.  How fun.  We each arrived to the party with four of our favorite three things.  Four jars of chutney, four wool socks and four coffee mugs for a total of 12 items.  You then go in a specified order and choose 12 things from what others have brought.  Like a cookie swap - so much fun!!!

• Basketball season has started for Lilli and she has her first game this weekend.

So, on the cancer front, I remain much the same with the exception of having continuous pain.  Pain in my hips, back, sacrum and femurs.  I am taking pain medicine and will have new scans in December to see if anything has changed.  At my last scan there was noticeable shrinkage in two of my lung tumors!  That's good news.  At that point we have all that we can hope for - no new sites and shrinkage in existing tumors.  God is good, all the time.

They will soar on wings like eagles (Isaiah 40:31)

This is one of my favorite bible verses. Burdens can be so difficult. And a burden for one may not be a burden for another.  In the last few years my primary burden has been worry for my children.  Watching their lives unfold in less than favorable ways has been so painful.  I want to make everything better and easy for them, but know that God has plans for their life just as He has for mine.  It's not always easy.  I continually strive to love them like Christ, but to let Him carry them and not let worry burden me.  Admittedly, I've done a poor job a lot of the time.  I continually hand them over to Him and then take them back just to turn around and hand them back again.  In the end, I know that Jesus loves them both so much more than I could ever.  I know that as each one turns his/her life over to Him their troubles may not disappear, but He will give them wings like eagles so they may soar.

Many days the burden of worry I feel for my children, especially my son as addiction has tried to take his life more than once, is completely debilitating.  I feel as though its going to kill me.  It takes every ounce of strength I have to get through the day.  I cling to verses such as...

Matthew 18:12-14  What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains and go in search of the one that went astray?  And if he finds it, truly, I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine that never went astray.  So it is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish.

Philippians 4:6  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

Psalm 56:8  You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book.

Job 16:21  On behalf of a man, He pleads with God as one pleads for a friend.

Jeremiah 29:11  For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Isaiah 40:31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

There is a fable about the way birds first got their wings. The story goes that initially they were made without them. Then God made the wings, set them down before the wingless birds, and said to them,"Take up these burdens and carry them."

The birds had sweet voices for singing, and lovely feathers that glistened in the sunshine, but they could not soar in the air. When asked to pick up the burdens that lay at their feet, they hesitated at first. Yet soon they obeyed, picked up the wings with their beaks, and set them on their shoulders to carry them.

For a short time the load seemed heavy and difficult to bear, but soon, as they continued to carry the burden and to fold the wings over their hearts, the wings grew attached to their little bodies. They quickly discovered how to use them and were lifted by the wings high into the air. The weights had become wings.

This is a parable for us. We are the wingless birds, and our duties and tasks are the wings God uses to lift us up and carry us heavenward. We look at our burdens and heavy loads, and try to run from them, but if we will carry them and tie them to our hearts, they will become wings. And on them we can then rise and soar toward God.

There is no burden so heavy that when lifted cheerfully with love in our hearts will not become a blessing to us. God intends for our tasks to be our helpers; to refuse to bend our shoulders to carry a load is to miss a new opportunity for growth. J. R. Miller

No matter how overwhelming, any burden God has lovingly placed with His own hands on our shoulders is a blessing. 

Taken from the Streams in the Desert Devotional.

In the past few months God has allowed me a new burden.  The burden of Stage 4 Lung Cancer with metastases.  Funny, as I face this ‘burden’ I seem to carry it easier than I do the worry about my family and children.  I think its because I have no fear of death.  My faith is so completely secure in Christ and the fact that I will spend eternity worshiping him.  I am reminded that it is that same faith that gives me so many promises for my children and loved ones.  I work each day to perfect my faith in the one who loves like no other. Well, I guess no one is perfect (only Christ), right?  I’ll keep working on this - what are you working on?

p.s. holding steady on the cancer front.  spent last week in hatteras with Rich, Lilli and some friends and we all came home with our limbs attached - no shark bites for us!

Uninspired and Laying Low - filled with thanksgiving!

I haven't written lately as little seems to inspire or motivate me. My drug side effects are way less volatile which is great but they remain a nagging presence in the likes of chronic fatigue, loss of appetite coupled with nausea, sores in mouth and on my fingertips, acne and last but definitely not least... diarrhea - which is controlled as long as I keep enough Imodium on board.

While not much inspires me and my happy happy disposition seems fairly artificial, I do remain grateful that in the midst of this rotten disease I am reminded of God's grace and His perfect provisions and plan.

Over the last month I have felt well enough to meet up with friends and enjoy some great fellowship, food and laughs!

I was able to play golf with two of my oldest and dearest high school friends, Keith Seekford and Chuck Hardison as well as dear friend Mike Krone!  

I also attended all of Lilli's soccer games.  She played great this season and was really able to see how tough AND how rewarding the goalie position can be!

We also got to watch Lilli participate in her first 5K race.  How lucky was she that Ashleigh Hammer flew in the night before - just in time to run the race with her.  Nothing but love for that girl!!!!

I have had the thrill of going to Hunter's school to watch his spring sing and enjoy my first Grandparents' Day at Hill as well as hanging out this past week with him while his mom

worked.  I love that little grandbirdy of mine.

Additionally, I've had a few hours of just relaxing with Rich at the Dirt Farm Brewing Company and played a round or two of golf. I've also been able to drive myself when and where I needed to go.

       

Last week was a bit rough with more side effects and just feeling achy and blah as well as a bit down emotionally.  Which I'm sure is why I'm less than motivated to post. On Friday I put up a post on Facebook that said “I AM STRUGGLING! I’m just saying”  Within minutes I had friends posting and praying for me.  I received 56 comments in a matter of an hour or so.  The comments buoyed me and must have had a direct line to God as my spirit was lifted, I ate dinner and enjoyed a nice evening with Rich watching World Cup - US Women’s Soccer.  I had an amazing day on Saturday - able to eat 3 meals with almost no nausea, shopped with Lilli for teacher gifts and visited with Rich’s brother Bill.  Yesterday was such an awesome day.  We started by spending time together on our front porch, then heard an uplifting sermon and worshipped with great praise music at PBC.  The icing on the cake was being visited by two long time friends Larry and Rita Moon.  It was truly the highlight of my week.  God knew just how to bless me this weekend.  I needed time with family, prayer and the love of some great friends.  I’m still smiling from my visit with Rita and Larry.

I met with my oncologist last week and he was pleased I was managing the treatment so much better.  He thought I looked great and even commented that he liked my new haircut!!  I told him other than the nagging back pain (which I called sciatic pain) everything was pretty manageable (of course I would have told him a different story this past week).  He wants me to have a full body bone scan and ct scans.  He wants to see where we are and take a good look at my spine.  He doesn’t want me to do any more chiropractic work or play golf!  What no golf!!!! I was scheduled to play in an outing on Sunday!  He said the last thing he wants to do is to keep me from things I enjoy doing, but he wants to look at my spine first.  I told him ok, once I played on Sunday I would lay low until we met to discuss the scans.  I did play Sunday a week ago.  I had great fun, but honestly haven’t felt as good since then and have been laying low.

That’s all for now.  Remember to love others extravagantly.  Be authentic - sharing your struggles and victories with others.  Remember your authenticity with another may be all it takes for them to not feel alone and to feel loved.  It’s pretty easy.  

SOME ARE SILVER AND SOME ARE GOLD!

I have so many friends.  Some I’ve had for most of my life and some that I’ve just met in the last year or two.  I can't believe at 51 I still continue to make new friends on a regular basis and be surrounded by lifelong ones who remain steadfast and faithful.  Doesn't it seem a bit unfair for one person to have so many friends?  Aren’t you just a tiny bit envious?  I think God knew I needed a lot of support!!!

I constantly count my blessings as I think about all the people who are still texting, calling, sending cards, sending flowers, making meals, visiting, helping with Lilli, cleaning my house, driving me to doctors appointments, praying for me and more!  Recently, I have met a few people who barely have a support network and I'm inspired by their bravery and a bit saddened for them. Again I am truly overwhelmed by those who continue to love and care for me on a daily basis - and especially those who pray faithfully for me!

As I've mentioned before, I am unable to play tennis this season because of the metastasized cancer in my bones. No running right now!  About 10 days ago, I went to watch our team practice and when I arrived Korey called a halt to practice as the team came running to hug me. This group of ladies has been so supportive of me.  Most of these ladies I've only known a year or two and they are faithful as the day is long. It was great to be hugged and welcomed and loved on. It was great fun to watch the practice. They are looking so good, I’m not sure I’ll be able to come back next season!!! While there the girls showed me the new team shirts.  Imagine my surprise to find out they had my and Sonya’s initials embroidered onto the team shirts!!  Sonya is another team member fighting cancer!

Two weeks ago I met my good friend Cara Coleman for lunch in Leesburg.  It was the first time I’d driven to Leesburg since January.  It felt good and strange all at the same time.  What felt fabulous though was sitting outside in the sun eating a sandwich and hanging out with Big Bad Cara!!!  If you remember, Cara is the one who sent out the ALERT email letting everyone know of my initial diagnosis of the head tumor, my horrific pain and enlisting helpers, but forbidding people to bug me as I was literally incapacitated by the pain.  I think she scared a lot of people off - at least for a bit.  Cara and I met when her son Gibraltor and Lilli were in Mother’s Day Out preschool.  I knew I liked her, but guess what I too was afraid of her!!! Ha!  I had forgotten that.  I knew she was an attorney and I thought just too smart to want to be my friend!  Well, God had other plans.  We would continue to see each other and have small talks, but not really getting too close, but God was relentless in bringing her to my mind.  I would pray for her, but wasn’t really sure what to pray.  But God knew!  During this time Cara became pregnant with baby number FOUR.  I mentioned to her doing meals to help out as she already had three young children at home and her daughter Justice required special nursing care.  Needless to say, Cara has a lot to manage and she welcomed the help.  Well, God cracked the door for me to enter Cara’s life and I barged my way right in.  We became instant friends!  We have shared many laughs and tears through the last six years.  I consider my self so blessed to be her friend!  I hope you get to meet her someday - you will love her - and not be afraid!! ;)

The Babysitter’s Club…  TURNED FRIENDS

I started babysitting when I was 12 and a half. My first family was the Washburn Family.  I quickly grew to love Lang and Judy Washburn and their daughters Serena and Natalie.  Mr. Washburn had the best sense of humor and made me feel loved by giving me the nickname UGM (ugliest girl in Middleburg) which he fondly called me well into my forties until he passed away. I loved him and I know the feeling was mutual.  I remain friends with Mrs. Washburn to this date. But only if I call her Judy.  She is a beautiful friend who stays in close touch and brings me lovely meals and flowers.  Unfortunately, I don't get to see either Serena or Natalie very often but Judy keeps me updated on their wonderful lives and their children!

On my first babysitting job for Tim and Marty Sutherland, their daughter Cristin cried the entire time her parents were gone.  Tim and Marty (aka POPCORN) also have a son David (who just got married this past weekend). My mom stayed at home with our family but earned extra money by doing daycare in our house.   She babysat for David and Cristin Sutherland firmly sewing both of them into our family's heart. Cristin and I are friends to date and she is such a bright and loving person.  Joy exudes from her.  I was so touched when I received a bracelet that represents ’strength’ from Cristin.  I think of her every time I wear it.  I’m not sure how I finally won her over all those years ago, but I’m so thankful I did.  I love her and her family.

Mom also babysat for Cissy and Robin Rose - they were the same age as my brother Tommy and me.  Boy did we have some fun!  As I remember Tommy and Cissy used to get in more trouble than Robin and I did.  We had such fun in our little neighborhood and I will always treasure our memories and our friendship which has lasted the test of time!

Another family my mom babysat for were the Jacksons. Dr. Ronald and his wife Mary Jo and their two beautiful children Julia and Adam.  The years and miles have separated me from Adam, but Julia and I have remained in touch.  Mary Jo remains a close friend whom I love dearly.  She has been battling cancer for nearly 15 years. She is my champion whom I desire to emulate in this cancer dance.  Mary Jo is one of the most kind and generous people you will every meet!  Don't be fooled by her firecracker spunk and straight shooting - she is truly one of the most loving, gentle and giving people you will ever know.  I had the privilege of having lunch with her last week.  It was so good to visit with her and to laugh.  Did I mention how funny she is???

The last family my mom babysat for probably had one the biggest impacts on my life - Sandi and Drew Perkins.  Jennifer came into our family when she was just a baby.  She arrived shortly after my dad had back surgery and was off from work.  My dad bonded with Jennifer like she was his own.  And I WAS JEALOUS… I know very mature, but I was.  She brought such joy to my parents (and to me).  We had so much fun with her.  Next came her younger sister Stephanie who we also welcomed as our own.  To this day I am extremely close to Jennifer, Stephanie and Sandi.  When they got word of me being sick Jennifer came from Charlottesville along with Sandi for a visit.  Next came the word that Stephanie was flying in from Seattle, WA to visit me.  I was so touched that she would do this.  Stef and Sandi showed up to take me to the doctor, have lunch and run errands.  I was so excited to see them that I think I tired them out.  It was a full FUN day!  These girls remain treasures in my life and my mom and dad’s life.  There are no words to express the love our family has for them.  They are the two sisters I never had!

Sandi & Stef after a long day of doc appts, errands and fun!

Me as the Easter Bunny - maybe 1979?

Next came Brooke and Liza Costin.  This was one of my most regular babysitting jobs - these two girls.  I spent my early teen years through high school with this family.  I grew so close to the girls and their mom and dad, Betsy and Kelvy Costin.  We shared more laughs through the years and again Betsy became one of my good friends as I got older and the girls too!  Recently, I received a package that had these wonderful cozy pajamas in them.  Imagine my surprise when I found out that Brooke sent them to me.  How sweet and the part that brought me to tears was her card.  She had written ‘what me did?’  One time when Brooke was very young - probably just under two I went in to get her out of her bed and she threw up on herself while laying down - she looked up at me with those big beautiful blue eyes and said…. WHAT ME DID?  It has stuck for 35 years….well close to that - not exactly sure how old Brooke is now, but my heart loves her as much as back then - even more.  Now Liza my funny story is, I called Sandi (Liza’s step mom) to tell her I was pregnant and she started laughing as she just found out that Liza was pregnant as well.  OK, so I was a bit older when I had Lilli….  Liza and I gave birth just a couple days apart.  Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor.

Another funny fact.... Years later both Sandi & Drew and Kelvy & Betsy divorced.  That's not funny, but what is is the fact that Sandi and Kelvy remarried to each other - so the four girls I was closest to became step sisters and remain sisters to this day.  It's so fun to get together with all of them!

These girls I’ve mentioned and their moms are truly treasures in my life.  I could go on and on about my love for them and tell so many funny and touching stories.  We sure have shared a lot of laughs and heartaches through the years.  I am so grateful for their friendships - each one unique to the individual but alike in the love I have for them!

Jennifer, Stef, Julia, Me, Brooke, Liza & Sandi

Health Update.....

As of today I'm managing pretty well with the new Chemo meds.  I am rarely nauseous but have major issues with diarrhea (oh yes, a post is coming about that... too funny not to laugh at and share!).   I now have this regiment of Imodium...there's a whole protocol for Chemo Diarrhea and Imodium... oh the things you learn.  Anyway, I hope to have a scan sometime in June or July to see if things have shrunk.  I'm on no pain medicine and am back to driving myself!  All of this is good news- don't you think?

Being The Hands And Feet Of Jesus

Being The Hands And Feet Of Jesus

Once again I am overwhelmed by the sheer number of caring friends and family who have reached out to me since I began this journey.  My family and I have had every need met during these past few months. God's provision for us through all of these wonderful people has been so encouraging.

The display of love and concern is a true testament to how God loves us in a real and tangible way, through others. It's how we as humans are the hands and feet of Jesus. 

All day today I've been thinking of the individual people who have touched me these last four and a half months and thanking God for them by name and praying specifically for them. I am going to attempt to tell you about some of these 'hands and feet' these walkers of the talk. Through my blog I am going to introduce you to modern day disciples!

Today in particular I've been thinking of Barbara Green and her sweet beautiful daughter Kelly Wing. Barbara and her husband Mike were our neighbors growing up in Middleburg. She has known me my entire life.  She has a generous heart, beautiful smile, soothing voice, hearty laugh and the best hugging arms around.  Although I haven't seen her lately to see, hear or feel these things in person I have them from memory and from her frequent words of love support and encouragement.  I will always cherish my early memories of being with her. 

And then there's her beautiful, smart, dynamic and crazy daughter, Kelly. We haven't seen each other too much in our adult life but we have our Middleburg Ridgeview childhood connection which binds our hearts. Then of course Facebook allowed us to reconnect and see into each other's life on an almost daily basis. When I was diagnosed on February 10th Kelly was one of the first to reach out to me. She sent me a beautiful cross necklace which I wear daily. 

I thank God for these two beautiful and generous women being a part of my life. 

Also on my heart today were my three best high school friends-Tammy, Dottie and Lori. We have all been friends since middle school. 

Today I was thrilled to have a visit from  Dottie and Tammy.  Tammy has been so great taking me to doc appointments and running errands and sending notes and love letters with lots of bits in them about our early years of friendship. The big surprise today was that Dottie snuck away on her lunch hour to visit. Oh my goodness it never felt so good to be hugged on!  I've missed her but she too has been faithful in sending me love letters. The three of us sat on the front porch and laughed and loved one another. I'm certain Dot used a bit more than one lunch hour!!!😜 We missed our Lori who couldn't leave work but I know she was with us in spirit and she too has sent me beautiful words of encouragement. How I cherish these girls.  I really hope the four of us can get together soon. 

As I head to bed tonight I'm so grateful for the love of so so many and I pray that I look for opportunities to be the hands and feet of Jesus and then move!

Welcome Relief, if only for a few days!!!!

As I've previously mentioned, the Tarceva Drug has caused me much distress with relentless nausea and vomiting. I've been able to ingest small amounts of nutrients and liquids, having to have IVs of anti nausea MEDS as well as fluids for dehydration. It's been ugly. 

This morning a wonderful thing happened.... I woke up feeling pretty good and NOT NAUSEAS!!  Shortly after realizing how much better I felt I realized I'd forgotten to take the Tarceva drug last night.  Coincidence???

I had appoints with my medical oncologist, Dr. Heyer and radiology oncologist, Dr. Bajaj (Dr.B). My goals for these appointments were to address the nausea and review last week's brain mri and its findings. 

Dr. Heyer said the MRI showed no changes. Nothing new to cause more nausea. Also, no noticeable shrinkage.  He believes the Tarceva is the culprit of the nausea and he wants to try another drug.  Once we receive insurance approval I will start the new drug, Afatinib.  In the meantime, I don't take the Tarceva!  Days without chemo are not ideal right now but I am thrilled to potentially have a few days reprieve from the nausea!

After meeting with Dr. Heyer, Rich and I had a quick lunch at Chick-Fil-A... And I ate an entire kid's meal!!! I know there were healthier choices but honestly I was so thrilled about actually chewing and swallowing food and not feeling nauseas!

Next stop Fairfax Hospital to meet Dr. B. Dr. B explained to us that while it would be great to see a smaller image it does not concern him as the bone takes considerable time to regenerate. He is pleased with my clinical showings of less pain and no new neurological issues. I will meet with him after I have my next petscan (most likely in 2 months).

It was a good day!  Just the facts today... 

Maybe something more exciting next time!

In the meantime I appreciate your prayers for no nausea and success with the new meds!!

Blessings!!!

It continues to be such a trying time. I willed myself out of bed this morning almost angrily saying I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me over and over again.  It was just the mantra I needed to stay upright and not vomit while doing our family's morning routine of Lilli up, dressed, fed, lunch packed and out the door for school and helping Rich in any way he needs to be off in a realively good note. The other goal of the morning is a new timing of when I take my nausea medicine along with chemo and other MEDS in an attempt to have less nausea.  And the most important goal is to try and be as normal for Lilli so she leaves without being too worried about me.

Lilli's worry and fear seem to be growing these past two weeks. I think it's not a coincidence that my increased nausea and general ill feeling.  Lilli got off the bus crying yesterday.  This continued until she fell asleep snuggled next to me in my bed all the while holding tightly to my hand. We spent the afternoon talking about everyday stuff with super hard stuff sprinkled in every few minutes. There weren't a lot of questions although the ones she asked were tough. She mainly kept saying I'm so worried about you. I'm worried that something is going to happen to you. She asked me what if our faith isn't true what if I don't go to heaven and what if I don't get to see you again. She said she wished there was proof. I said so do I. I told her that's why we call it faith because we can't see it. I reassured her that the doctors and medicine are helping me fight the cancer but all of our days are in God'd hands. I told her how much I love her and how much she loves me is small compared to how much HE loves us. I found myself struggling after she fell asleep last night with a bit of this isn't fair. Why me, why Lilli. Slowly in the midst of my heartache and in the quiet of the night I came back to why not me? Why not Lilli. We are loved fiercely by the King of Kings who knows every piece of this eternal puzzle and I will yield to Him.

I slept as though an angel had his arms wrapped around me and Lilli. She slept great as well.   I woke up to the nausea again this morning and started my chant... I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! Repeat, Repeat, Repeat.....

April 15

Trust Me, and don’t be afraid. Many things feel out of control. Your routines are not running smoothly. You tend to feel more secure when your life is predictable. Let Me lead you to the rock that is higher than you and your circumstances. Take refuge in the shelter of My wings, where you are absolutely secure.

When you are shaken out of your comfortable routines, grip My hand tightly and look for growth opportunities. Instead of bemoaning the loss of your comfort, accept the challenge of something new. I lead you on from glory to glory, making you fit for My kingdom. Say yes to the ways I work in your life. Trust Me, and don’t be afraid.

“Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.”
—Isaiah 12:2

From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.
—Psalm 61:2–4

But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.
—2 Corinthians 3:18 nkjv


Whoops, doc just called and wants to see me for possible infusion so I'll fill you in later!!

Thank You Notes, Blog Posts & Naps

Early in my diagnosis I was so efficient at writing thank you notes and blog posts.  It seemed that was all I was doing, but was able to keep up with thanking people and while the posts weren't as fast as I'd like they were regular enough that people felt informed.  Naps were something I hoped to do, but never seemed to make a reality.

Boy have things changed.  I am in the third full week of chemo and the side effects have kicked in.  I am nauseas and have lost my appetite.  I have sores in my mouth and on my face - look like a teenager with acne.  I'm cold all the time.  I'm exhausted.  I sleep all night in my bed and then sleep most of the day as well.  I can't seem to get enough sleep.

Therefore, my thank you notes are not getting written and I haven't finished a blog post in a long time.  Until this one.....

I'm alive and well.
The chemo is as horrible as they say but not as bad as they say...

Hope to have a more meaningful post soon.  In the meantime, thanks for caring and sending notes, text, messages, calls, etc.  Along with my great faith YOU remain the thing that bouys me.

She Laughs at Fear, Afraid of Nothing, She Does Not Shy Away from the Sword

It's fair to say that my overall health has declined these last eighteen months, which until recently I was blaming on menopause and my fragile emotional state due to years of codependency.  Not to mention my total lack of caring what food, liquid and nutrients I was putting into my body and the fact that the only exercise I was doing was an occasional 18 holes of golf or a tennis match.

Menopause is not for sissys and emotional codependency will wreck havoc on your entire mental and physical being if left unaddressed!  That's where I was in October/November/December when things slowly began to unveil themselves gathering momentum until we found out in January that menopause and codependency had set up house with Lung Cancer, a metastasized tumor in the base of the skull and bone cancer in the back and hips.

As I've mentioned in my previous blog posts, I believe that God's hands are all over this.  There is something so much bigger than me having cancer. Each day I love to see how things are unfolding.  It really is amazing to see all the wonderful restorative things God is doing in my life.  I will continue to fight something that is determined to take the life that He surely came to give.

John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

The Stage Four Diagnosis is my call to get healthy.  To LIVE the best possible life I can with cancer.

Last weekend, I was up during the night to use the restroom.  When I got back in bed I became aware of how labored my breathing is even during the simplest of task such as walking 10 feet to the bathroom and back and getting into bed.  I feel slightly out of breath and like there is a tightness, pressure or heaviness in my lungs.  This caught me off guard and quite honestly made me sad.  As I lay there I silently wept not exactly sure of what I was feeling other than the agreement of my head, heart and body that yes, I am sick.

Since then, I've had a couple of these sad moments.  I can't quite put my finger on what's bothering me - just the realization that yes, I am sick.

I had my second dose of XGeva last Monday, March 16th and I began taking Tarceva, the Chemo drug, the following day.  Yesterday, March 27th, I had my first followup with Dr. Heyer.  He had said the first appointments would be more active and then things would calm down.  And active it was!  The side effects of Tarceva started almost immediately (blistering/pimples of the entire face, mouth sores, nausea, upset stomach, chills, cough) and Dr. Heyer had no trouble seeing them the minute he looked at me.  So, I started Doxycycline today for the skin sores.  In addition, I may need to do radiation on my left hip as i've got significant pain there as well due to the cancer in the hip bone.  But his big concern was when I talked to him about the pressure in my chest.  He was suspicious of blood clots and sent me straight for a CT Scan.
little stat...It's very common to have bloodclots in the first three months after cancer diagnosis, the risk of blood clots is 53 times higher than for people without cancer.  Patients whose cancer has spread to other parts of the body have a 20 times higher risk than cancer patients without distant spread.)

The CT tech told me that Dr. Heyer wanted me to come back to his office.  We all know what that means... they found something!!!  When I got back to the office I said, well, this can't be good!  He smiled and said - it was as I expected, you have several blood clots in your lungs!  OH Boo!!  And you aren't going to like what I have to say... No beach.... OH Boo!!!  So, Jessica Dr. Heyer's PA introduced me the blood thinners which I will give to myself by injection 2 times a day.  I will be doing this for the foreseeable future.  I have a doppler ultrasound scheduled for Monday morning.  This will help determine if i have normal blood flow with no evidence of clotting.  My hope is this will come back clear and I may be able to meet Rich and Lilli at the beach.  OH BY THE WAY, Rich and Lilli decided to go to the beach without me.  They left this morning and seem to be having a good time.  I was so sad last night about not going to the beach - as much as I love the beach - my sadness was really about the disappointment for Lilli.  I hate to see Lilli's life being impacted due to cancer.

As I close for tonight, I am reminded of one of my favorite scenes from the movie Secretariat. I've attached the clip. Hope you enjoy it.

I see Sham being my cancer and I'm secretariat!  This race seems impossible but it's not.... for I can do all things with Christ who strengthens me...






She laughs at fear, afraid of nothing, she does not shy away from the sword, she cannot stand still when the trumpet sounds... Job 39:22

He Ain't Heavy He's My Brother

Today my brother Edward Swain​  leaves the VA Hospital in Martinsburg, WV where he has been participating in their intensive inpatient addiction recovery program for over five months.  There have been so many amazing things that have happened during this time that I hope to write about on my blog www.donnakbarkley.blogspot.com soon.

But, for right now - i just wanted to thank God for his provision and offer a blessing to the men and women who have served our country and for all those who fight addiction on a daily basis.  Many people fight addiction losing the battle for their entire life.  They restart and fight and fight hard, but Addiction is a beast.  People who fail to addiction are not weak they are sick.  It is a disease it is the ugliest.  Trust me no one wants to be an addict.

Addiction has stolen many things from me personally, my parents, my other sweet brother Tommy our extended families, my son, his friends and other friends.  It is to be feared.  It is to be respected, because just when you think you have it beat the dang devil finds yet a new way to make it look so appealing and the disease makes it nearly impossible to beat.

I have every confidence that Eddie's journey is moving forward without drugs or alcohol being a part of it.

Well, you might say it's about time, but God's timing is always perfect!!

Don't get me wrong Eddie has a lot of work to do, HARD WORK

in his own life

his marriage

our family

but I know the healing God has brought to Eddie's heart and spirit along with his body

and I'm so excited to watch this restoration in my family continue!

As I am being healed from Cancer, God is healing so much more in my world.  He is taking what Satan intended for evil and making it good and for that I am grateful beyond words.

God bless you big brother, God bless you!

Jeremiah 30:17, ESV For I will restore health to you, and your wounds I will heal, declares the Lord…

Isaiah 61:7, ESV Instead of your shame there shall be a double portion; instead of dishonor they shall rejoice in their lot; therefore in their land they shall possess a double portion; they shall have everlasting joy.

Joel 2:25-26, ESV I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you. You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God, who has dealt wondrously with you. And my people shall never again be put to shame.

Job 42:10, ESV And the Lord restored the fortunes of Job, when he had prayed for his friends. And the Lord gave Job twice as much as he had before.

Isaiah 1:18, ESV Come now, let us reason together, says the LORD: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool.