The Wall Of Thankfulness

During the summer, Eddie painted an area on our kitchen wall with chalk paint turning it into a chalkboard or as I like to call it a chalk wall.  We have had so much fun using it to display our words and sentiments.  Funny how such a small area has allowed us to express such big heartfelt words.

I believe the initial chalking was Lilli's countdown to summer camp, Camp Green Cove.  Next it was a Welcome Home Lilli quickly followed up with a Happy 11th Birthday Lilli Birdy!  September brought on Rich's 54th Birthday wishes followed quickly by sweet wishes from Lilli and Rich to me for my birthday.

Next followed a big burnt orange HELLO FALL!  We loved that one... each of us occasionally speaking aloud our own... Hello Fall to the chalk-wall and whomever was standing in ear shot.  But my favorite was the Thankfulness chalking!  I loved this one so much that when Lilli prematurely erased it (two days before Thanksgiving), what could I do but start over.  A box of chalk remained on the counter so we could add things as we were so motivated.  Sometimes we weren't sure who added what.  That made it even more fun.

During this last month Rich and I have been going through a particularly tough time in our family with our relationship with Owen.  Sadly, we found ourselves in a place where Owen had to leave our home and was not welcome back on our property.  I was a mess as I decided, for the first time in our 11 years of marriage to honor Rich and our marriage before my feelings for Owen-always feeling like I needed to protect him and help him instead of allowing him to live with the consequences of his decisions.  I knew it was what I needed to do, but I'm telling you it was the hardest thing I have ever done.  Not knowing where my son would end up felt like it was going to kill me.  And the pain my husband was feeling over the situation was just as painful to watch.  I knew I had to lean on God to get me through this, because there was no way I could do it on my own.  As Thanksgiving day drew closer and closer, I found myself worried about Owen and where he would be on Thanksgiving Day. Thinking how could I be joyful and thankful when my only son was homeless.  I pressed in to God like I never have.

Unbeknowst to me, Owen had reached out to a couple of men who had mentored him last year when he was in North Carolina.  He talked with them and before I knew it he was on his way to North Carolina to work with them again.  We just spoke on Monday and he sounded great.   He texted with me this evening saying in part... "Really good day...Super thankful I'm sober again!  It feels so good." I could not have gotten a better message.  I needed some encouragement and God knew that.

Additionally, over the last month, I have been experiencing more pain and more 'sick' days.  These days are hard to explain.  Some days I feel so tired and completely fatigued - I have trouble getting out of bed.  On these days I usually head back to bed after dropping Lilli at school and rest for several hours - sometimes most of the day.  Sometimes, I feel rest and sleep will get me through the day.  Other days I feel nauseous and I take pain meds around the clock.  My pain primarily lingers in my hips, lower back, femur, knees, arms, elbows, wrists and hands.

My XGeva injection was scheduled for yesterday.  When I woke I had pain in my chest and back and felt as though I had trouble taking a deep breathe.  When I arrived at my visit I had my normal blood work, etc. done but after letting Kristin (my nurse) know how I felt she checked my blood oxygen level and it was a bit compromised (85... not my best effort).  Kristin consulted with Mary (the doc) and down the hall I went to the patient room (I was currently in the infusion room).  After examining me and listening to my description of the last few days, she decided I should have a CT of my chest to see what was going on inside.  I headed over to the imaging building and after the scan was complete and the doctor reviewed it, I was told I had no embolism and was allowed to leave.  Yay!

Later last night, my Mary called to follow up with me about the scan.  The good news was indeed that there were no blood clots or any fluid around my lungs.  The not so good news....  My tumor has grown in the last 2 months.  Progression??  Not a good word with cancer.  So over the next week I will have the remaining abdominal, pelvic, bone and brain scans and we will determine what the next plan of action is.  Whether we discontinue the Gilotrif (my oral chemo) and try another one - do we biopsy the tumor to see if I have developed a mutation that resists the Gilotrif.  Evidently, there is a new medicine that fights that mutation - getting rid of it so the Gilotrif will once again work.

Mary called me again, today to let me know she had consulted with Dr. Heyer.  He said he wants to see the results from my new scans before we label this progression.  So, in the meantime I will get the additional scans.  Hearing he does not want to label it progression just yet has lighten my heart this afternoon after having a pretty tearful morning with my darling husband.

I know God hasn't finished my story with its many beautiful characters....  My love story with my sweet husband, Chloe and her boys growing stronger on their own and being a family unit secure within their sweet little family, my son Jake finishing school and continuing to enjoy his music career, watching Lilli as she blossoms into a young woman exploring school, music, sports, friendships, boys (wait no boys), watching Owen arise from the ashes into the man God intends for him to be, all the while enjoying more time with my parents and my brothers and all my wonderful friends.

All these characters in my beautiful life remind me of my wall of chalk. I imagine God just adding more and more beautiful things and not seeing the story until the wall is finished.

As I looked back over the wall of Thankfulness it was fun to see where the words ended up...for instance someone put the word FREEDOM and someone put the word OWEN.  They ended up next to each other as though God was saying OWEN WILL BE FREE FROM WHAT BINDS HIM.  RICH and DAD were next to each other with the kids names there.  They represent the LEADERS OF MY FAMILY.  DREAMS reminding me of Psalms 37:4 TAKE DELIGHT IN THE LORD AND HE WILL GIVE YOU THE DESIRES OF YOUR HEART (DREAMS).

No matter where I find myself, I don't have to ask who is writing my story or where it will end up, because I know I couldn't even imagine the beauty of it all in the end.