She Laughs at Fear, Afraid of Nothing, She Does Not Shy Away from the Sword

It's fair to say that my overall health has declined these last eighteen months, which until recently I was blaming on menopause and my fragile emotional state due to years of codependency.  Not to mention my total lack of caring what food, liquid and nutrients I was putting into my body and the fact that the only exercise I was doing was an occasional 18 holes of golf or a tennis match.

Menopause is not for sissys and emotional codependency will wreck havoc on your entire mental and physical being if left unaddressed!  That's where I was in October/November/December when things slowly began to unveil themselves gathering momentum until we found out in January that menopause and codependency had set up house with Lung Cancer, a metastasized tumor in the base of the skull and bone cancer in the back and hips.

As I've mentioned in my previous blog posts, I believe that God's hands are all over this.  There is something so much bigger than me having cancer. Each day I love to see how things are unfolding.  It really is amazing to see all the wonderful restorative things God is doing in my life.  I will continue to fight something that is determined to take the life that He surely came to give.

John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

The Stage Four Diagnosis is my call to get healthy.  To LIVE the best possible life I can with cancer.

Last weekend, I was up during the night to use the restroom.  When I got back in bed I became aware of how labored my breathing is even during the simplest of task such as walking 10 feet to the bathroom and back and getting into bed.  I feel slightly out of breath and like there is a tightness, pressure or heaviness in my lungs.  This caught me off guard and quite honestly made me sad.  As I lay there I silently wept not exactly sure of what I was feeling other than the agreement of my head, heart and body that yes, I am sick.

Since then, I've had a couple of these sad moments.  I can't quite put my finger on what's bothering me - just the realization that yes, I am sick.

I had my second dose of XGeva last Monday, March 16th and I began taking Tarceva, the Chemo drug, the following day.  Yesterday, March 27th, I had my first followup with Dr. Heyer.  He had said the first appointments would be more active and then things would calm down.  And active it was!  The side effects of Tarceva started almost immediately (blistering/pimples of the entire face, mouth sores, nausea, upset stomach, chills, cough) and Dr. Heyer had no trouble seeing them the minute he looked at me.  So, I started Doxycycline today for the skin sores.  In addition, I may need to do radiation on my left hip as i've got significant pain there as well due to the cancer in the hip bone.  But his big concern was when I talked to him about the pressure in my chest.  He was suspicious of blood clots and sent me straight for a CT Scan.
little stat...It's very common to have bloodclots in the first three months after cancer diagnosis, the risk of blood clots is 53 times higher than for people without cancer.  Patients whose cancer has spread to other parts of the body have a 20 times higher risk than cancer patients without distant spread.)

The CT tech told me that Dr. Heyer wanted me to come back to his office.  We all know what that means... they found something!!!  When I got back to the office I said, well, this can't be good!  He smiled and said - it was as I expected, you have several blood clots in your lungs!  OH Boo!!  And you aren't going to like what I have to say... No beach.... OH Boo!!!  So, Jessica Dr. Heyer's PA introduced me the blood thinners which I will give to myself by injection 2 times a day.  I will be doing this for the foreseeable future.  I have a doppler ultrasound scheduled for Monday morning.  This will help determine if i have normal blood flow with no evidence of clotting.  My hope is this will come back clear and I may be able to meet Rich and Lilli at the beach.  OH BY THE WAY, Rich and Lilli decided to go to the beach without me.  They left this morning and seem to be having a good time.  I was so sad last night about not going to the beach - as much as I love the beach - my sadness was really about the disappointment for Lilli.  I hate to see Lilli's life being impacted due to cancer.

As I close for tonight, I am reminded of one of my favorite scenes from the movie Secretariat. I've attached the clip. Hope you enjoy it.

I see Sham being my cancer and I'm secretariat!  This race seems impossible but it's not.... for I can do all things with Christ who strengthens me...






She laughs at fear, afraid of nothing, she does not shy away from the sword, she cannot stand still when the trumpet sounds... Job 39:22